Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
You Might Also Like
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
tis the season
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?