Bit chilly again tonight.
You Might Also Like
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*