Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
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Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
just gave your address to some spiders
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
And bowling should be called pinball
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too