I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
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Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends