I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
You Might Also Like
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
It’s a gift
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.