ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
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I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
sensitive skin
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Not today. 😅
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands