3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
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After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I’m about to risk it all
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for