I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
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😲 WTF? 😆
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.