October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
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I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Velcrow
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.