So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
You Might Also Like
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.