Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
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My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
How much for the goth pool noodles?
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]