[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
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I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
an airline just for babies.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”