[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
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I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I think this cat is broken
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*