Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
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[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks