2022 will be better than 2021
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Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can鈥檛 take it
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I鈥檓 the world鈥檚 problem now.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we鈥檙e not having spaghetti tonight?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW