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My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.