My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
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MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?