[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
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“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
The symmetry is uncanny.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*