I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
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*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
This made me smile…
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
*checks Timeline*…
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window