she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
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when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”