If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
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Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
That’s easy for you to say
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.