Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
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*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
My dating profile:
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
“Wait, let me explain..”
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*