If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Wake me when AI does housework
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive