Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
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me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.