They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
You Might Also Like
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.