Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
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Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.