STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
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Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.