CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
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Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded