When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
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Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!