dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
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The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
mom had nothing to worry about
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.