Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
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Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time