Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
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Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.