Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
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when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.