I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
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Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I’m literally crying
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
girls literally only want one thing..
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?