My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
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Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*