Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
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A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Found my door mat
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes