“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
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Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I’m awake but I object,
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
pat pat
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
can’t bark with your mouth full
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
opening twitter today
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.