I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
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my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.