4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
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My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.