venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
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Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I think they could have phrased this better
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
reviewed some movies recently
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
My good tweets are in my other pants.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone