When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
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Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”