Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
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Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
no
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.