Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
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[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
he was correct
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny