When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
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*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what