[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
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Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems