Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
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i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Go hard or stay average
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.