“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
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Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”