If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
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I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
my dad has had enough
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.