Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
You Might Also Like
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”