Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
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I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*